Can you believe it? Fred Fest is just a week away!
Of course, this weekend is the first Big Blue Bash, but you guys don’t care about that.
I know what it’s like to be nervous about Fred Fest. There’s hordes of drunk college kids on the streets, plus the stabbings and shootings and whatever, so I’m here to give you a guide on how to survive it.
My credentials: trust me bro.
1. Do all your homework by Wednesday
This is an important one. Make sure you’ve done all your work that’s due from Thursday to Monday.
Now, you might being wondering, why Thursday? Why Monday?
Thursday is Thirsty Thursday, of course, so you’re not getting anything done that day.
And God knows you’re not getting anything done on Sunday. You’re either gonna be too sick to get anything done, or maybe you’re one of those crazy people who will be too impaired to get anything done.
Lock in from Monday-Wednesday. Trust me.
2. Follow the crowds
If you don’t know where you’re supposed to go, just wander around for a bit. This could be on campus or in town.
Once you spot a group of college-aged children all walking in the same direction, follow them. Maybe even join their group! There’s always safety in numbers. This leads me to my next point.
3. Be prepared to defend yourself
Like I mentioned earlier, there’s drunk college kids and dangerous people on the streets during Fred Fest. I’m sure you know about the shootings and stabbings that have occurred in the past, and you’re not going to let that happen to you.
How do I know that you’re not going to let that happen to you?
Because you’re going to stay strapped.
You read that right.
What’s the easiest way to not get stabbed? Don’t get caught without a knife, simple.
And you know what they say about bringing a knife to a gunfight…..
4. Trust the mystery cups
Why would you turn down a free drink?
Fred Fest brings everyone together, so there’s really no reason to be afraid.
What’s the worst that could happen?
5. Stay out until dark
Nighttime is when the real party starts. Don’t be afraid of the dark! Main street is very well-lit.
This is an example of what happens to the Bunker bros when the clock strikes 9 PM.
And who wouldn’t want to party with that?
This article goes out to the frat bros I’ve had the displeasure of working with in the past. I hope I find one of you passed out in the grass at some point. Peace and love.
6. Invite all your non-Fredonia friends
Fred Fest is a joy that few get to enjoy. Make sure to invite all your friends from your hometown to join in. ESPECIALLY if you live in a dorm.
There will be no issues if your friend tries to stay the night in your dorm and they don’t go here.
7. Say hi to the Mayor
The Mayor will definitely be getting lit during Fred Fest. If you see him, say hi!
As I’m typing this I’m realizing that I don’t actually know what Fredonia’s mayor looks like, but I know that he loves us. Same with the Dunkirk Observer. They’re our biggest fans.
Say hi to anyone who you think could be the mayor, even if you have no idea if it’s actually the mayor or not. People should say hi to each other more anyways. It’s manners.
